The Lord of the Bongs: The Helloship of the Bong
by gozzygozzygimli
Summary: With the help of a courageous helloship of friends and allies, Frieda Leaf embarks on a perilous mission to destroy the legendary One Bong. Hunting Frieda are servants of the Dark Lord, Floweron, the Bong's evil creator. If Floweron reclaims the Bong, Mid
1. Proloue: One Bong To Rule Them All

****

Prologue: One Bong To Rule Them All…

The world is changed.  
I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I _smell it_ in the air… (Not sure what the smell is but it's getting me high, man!)  
Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it… 

It began with the rolling of the great spliffs. 3 were given to the elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings… 7 to the dwarf-lords: great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls… And 9. 9 spliffs were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desire power (and the high, but hell, they all wanted that in Middle Earth). For within this spliffs was bound the drugs, will and strength to govern each race. 

But they were all of them deceived… 

For another spliff was made. In the land of Skegness, in the fires of Mount Doom (very imaginative name, I must say. Great job, Mr Tolkien) the dark lord Sauron rolled in secret a Master Spliff: To control all others and get him as high as possible. And into this spliff, he put his canabis, his cocaine and all his heroin and speed…  
One bong to rule them all…  
One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the spliff. But there were some who resisted… 

A Last Alliance of anti-drug forces marched against the armies of Skegness, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.  
Victory was near…  
But the power of the spliff could not be undone, and pretty much everybody got stoned silly.  
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword… 

Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth was defeated. HURRAY!!!!!!! 

The spliff passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever… But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the Bong of Power has a will of it's own… 

It betrayed Isildur to his death, and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the spliff passed out of all knowledge. 

Until when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer… The spliff came to the creature Roll 'Em, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains (another brilliant name, Tolkien, you've really outdone yourself, mate!) and there it consumed him… 

The spliff brought to Roll 'Em unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind (and lungs) and in the gloom of Roll 'Em's cave, it waited… 

Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear (Sauron….oops) and the Bong of Power perceived. It's time had now come. 

It abandoned Roll 'Em, but something happened then, that the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable…  
A hobbit.  
Dildo Slaggins, of the Shire. 

For the time will soon come when Hobbits will shape the fortunes of all…


	2. The Shire

****

The Shire

__

'If you wannabe my lover,  
You gotta get with my friends…'  
The little hobbit tore his eyes away from his gay porn magazine and listened. He recognised that voice…  
_'Make it last forever,  
Friendship never ends…'  
_He ran through the trees and peered out across the road as the horse-carriage full of fireworks ambled slowly towards him, a tall grey wizard signing passionately as he drove it. 

"You're late," the hobbit told him firmly, though he smiled as he said it.  
The old wizard stopped singing and looked up. "A wizard is never late, Frieda Leaf. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."  
Since they were both stoned out of their heads, they stood laughing for hours until Frieda leapt into the wizards arms and cried, "It's wonderful to see you, Ganja!" 

Frieda accompanied Ganja into the little Hobbit village called the Shire, talking sweetly of memories past as they went. 

"Remember when you drank that acid and got so high you thought you shouted 'I'M A GOLDEN GOD!' from my rooftop and jumped into the cesspool?"  
"Um… no." 

Soon, Frieda went back to his gay porn and Ganja decided to pay a visit to Frieda's uncle, Dildo Slaggins…

(damn, this chapters short…)


	3. ExBoyfriends

****

Ex Boyfriends

No sooner had Ganja knocked on the door, than he heard Dildo shout, "NO THANKYOU! I DON'T WANT ANY MORE CHRISTMAS CAROLLERS, TRICK OR TREATERS OR PENNY FOR THE GUYERS!!!!!" 

"And what about ex-boyfriends?" Ganja asked, smiling.  
The door flung open at once. "Henry?" Dildo looked up. "Oh, Ganja it's you!" 

"Dildo Slaggins…" Ganja smiled, hugging him. "One hundred and eleven years old, you haven't aged a day!"  
"Oh please, you say that to all the hobbits around here!" Dildo laughed. He invited Ganja inside. "Tea? Or perhaps something a bit stronger? I've got some acid left over from- actually better not, after the cesspool incident…"  
"Just tea thank you…" Ganja said politely. He said down, waiting patiently as Dildo rushed around the kitchen making the tea. 

Ganja waited a very long time for Dildo's return but soon, his patience wore thin and Ganja entered the kitchen to investigate… 

He found Dildo sitting under the table, smoking an enormous spliff. A spliff he recognised as the One Bong, rolled by the dark lord Sauron.  
"I think you've been smoking that for quite long enough," Ganja said, trying to reason with Dildo, who was so stoned he kept yelling at the flowerpots on the windowsill because they were 'looking at him funny'. 

"You want it for yourself!" Dildo shouted.  
"DILDO SLAGGINS!" Ganja yelled with such ferocity, Dildo whimpered and hid behind the cupboard. "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! I AM NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU…" He calmed down in an instant and smiled faintly. "I'm trying to help you."  
Dildo began to cry.  
"I'm sorry," Ganja said, hugging him. "I've got PMS. Even after my sex change I still get them from time to time…"  
Dildo sniffed and looked up at Ganja. "I've got something that'll mellow you out…" He smiled. 

Twenty minutes later…

Dildo and Ganja sat on the hill that overlooked the field where Dildo's 111th birthday party would be taking place that night, and passed the One Bong between them.  
"That's some good shit," Ganja chuckled, passing the joint back to Dildo.  
"I know. And you know what the best part is? It NEVER runs out. I've had it for nearly… uh… what's 8 times 4?"  
Ganja burst out laughing and couldn't control himself for ages. 

At that moment, a truck full of whores pulled up by the field and jumped out, giggling and asking, "Where's our birthday boy?"  
Dildo smiled, stubbed the spliff out on the grass, put it back in his pocket and stood up. "Ganja, my old friend…" He said. "This should be a night to remember…"


	4. A Long Expected Orgy

****

A Long Expected Orgy

The party certainly was unforgettable. Not only did Ganja's fireworks go off with a bang (*shudder* crap joke or what?) but Frieda's hobbit friends Very Merry and Pipe-in stole one of the fireworks and nearly killed everyone. They had to spend the entire night washing dishes under the watchful eye of Ganja. 

While Frieda got drunk and danced around like a lunatic, Dildo described his encounter with a monster to some innocent children… 

"So there I was, trapped in the alley behind the pornographic cinema, at the mercy of JK Rowling, who was blackmailing me to buy a copy of her book. She spent so much time screaming and screaming at me to buy Harry Potter, that she didn't notice the sun's first light creeping over the trees and WHOOSH!"  
The children gasped.  
"And turned her into stone!" Dildo said dramatically. 

Meanwhile, Frieda slumped down in the seat next to his best friend, Samwise Ganjaleaf. "Go on, Sam." Frieda slurred. "Ask Rosie for a shag."  
"I think I'll just have another ale."  
"Great! Get me one while you're up."  
Although the party began formally, Very Merry and Pipe-in thought it would be hilariously to stuff the birthday cake with pot and as Dildo stood on the platform to give his speech, his guests stopped trying to eat each other and listened to what he had to say. 

"Today is my 111th birthday!" Dildo cried. Not much of a speech but the stoned guests didn't seem to care. They cheered frantically.  
"But alas, one eleventy one years is not enough to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. Well, I like some of you but I hate most of you."  
The crowd took this as a compliment, except for one who burst into tears and ran off.  
Dildo shrugged and continued his speech. "I-uh, I have to go now. There are some things that need seeing to. I wish you all a very fond farewell…" He looked at Frieda who had passed out and was lying in a pool of beer on the floor. "Goodbye…" And then he disappeared. 

Well, actually, he only thought he had disappeared. He was too stoned to realise that putting on some silly ring he'd found in a kinder egg was not going to make him invisible. 

"Heeheehee…" He whispered, sneaking past the puzzled crowds who were watching him leave. "They can't see me, hahahahahaha!"


	5. Farewell, Dear Dildo

****

Farewell, Dear Dildo

Dildo giggled as he went back to his house and started packing.  
"I suppose you think that was terribly clever…"  
Dildo shrieked and turned around. Ganja was sitting on the sofa, glaring at him.  
"Come on, Ganja. Did you see their faces?"  
"Where are you going?"  
"I'm going to Rivenhell for a bit."  
"A bit?"  
"Well, forever but who's counting? You will keep an eye on Frieda, won't you?"  
"Two eyes. And as often as I can spare them."  
"Good. I'm leaving everything to him."  
"What about the One Bong? Is that staying too?"  
"Yes, yes, it's in an envelope on the mantlepiece."  
Ganja nodded and went to the mantlepiece but stopped as he heard Dildo murmur, "No, wait, it's here in my pocket…" He laughed. "Isn't that odd now?"  
"Dildo, quit with the freaky-ass shit and hand over the spliff, OK?"  
"OK, OK, jeez take a chill pill, will you?"  
"I can't."  
"Why not?"  
"Because there in your other pocket."  
Dildo grinned and handed over the small tub of pills. "Well, it's late. The road is long. I guess I'll be on my way…" He opened the door and was just about to leave when Ganja stopped him. 

"Dildo…" Ganja said slowly. "The spliff is still in your pocket."  
_'Bastard!'_ Dildo thought. _'He's seen through me like Frieda's underpants.'_  
Dildo pulled the spliff out of his pocket and stared at it wistfully for a while. His hands shook violently and then, suddenly, he threw the spliff to the floor and ran out of the door before he could change his mind. 

Ganja followed Dildo outside and watched as Dildo told himself to be strong and let it go.  
"I've thought of an ending for my book," He smiled, turning to face Ganja. "And he died slowly and painfully, in a pool of piss and blood."  
"And I'm sure you will, old friend." Ganja smiled.  
Dildo looked up at him. "Goodbye Ganja."  
"Farewell, dear Dildo." They hugged one last time. "Farewell,"  
Dildo grinned and set off down the street, singing as he went. 

__

'I tell you what I want,  
What I really really want,  
So tell me what you want,  
What you really really want,  
I'll tell you what I want,  
What I really really want…  
I really really really want a cig-a-cigar!' 

Ganja watched him disappear into the night, also reminding himself to be strong and let him go…


	6. Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe

****

Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe…

Ganja went back inside Dildo's house and looked down at the One Bong lying on the floor, smoking gently as Ganja picked it up, inhaling the sweet tempting fumes that wafted from it… 

Half an hour later, Ganja sat in front of the fire, so stoned he didn't even hear Frieda come crahing through the door, looking for Dildo.  
"He's gone, hasn't he?" He asked, looking around the empty house.  
Ganja didn't seem to hear him.  
"He talked for so long about leaving. I never thought he'd actually do it. I just thought he was drunk. Where did he go, Ganja?" Frieda walked up to Ganja's armchair. "Ganja?"  
Ganja shook himself and looked at Frieda. "He's gone to stay with the elves," he told him. "He's left you Slag End." He reached for the envelope on the mantlepiece, shoved the spliff inside and sealed it. "Along with all his possessions…"  
"What's that?" Frieda asked, pointing at the envelope.  
"Oh this? It's nothing, it's just-"  
Frieda snatched the envelope out of Ganja's hands and sniffed it. At once, his eyes crossed over and he danced in a circle around the room, clapping his hands in delight and squealing in triumph. The envelope fell to the floor. Ganja bent down to pick it up and Frieda got the wrong idea… 

"Take it, Ganja! Take it!"  
"Frieda, get outta there!"  
"Fine, you do me!"  
"You cannot offer me your ring!"  
"I'm giving it to you!"  
"Don't tempt me, Frieda! And you can't open that envelope! Inside is the One Bong, rolled by the dark lord Sauron."  
"But Sauron was destroyed…"  
Ganja shook his head. "The spirit of Sauron endured. His life force is bound to the spliff and the spliff survived. Sauron is back, Frieda. All he needs is this spliff, to cover all the land in a second darkness. You've got to keep it secret, keep it safe."  
"Alright, we'll keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. Nobody knows it's here, do they?"  
Ganja kept his eyes to the floor, shuffling his feet nervously."Do they, Ganja?"  
"There was one other who knew Dildo had the spliff. I looked everywhere for the creature Roll 'Em but it seemed the enemy got to him first. Amidst the screams and inane babble, they extracted two words: Shire. Slaggins."  
"Shire… Slaggins… But- but that would lead them here!"  
"Duh! No shit, Frieda! God, sometimes you're just so thick, I-" He suddenly stopped. He had heard a noise coming from the open window. The bushes began to rustle and Ganja leaned out of the window and poked at them with his staff. He heard a muffled shout from inside them and pulled a boy out of the bushes and threw him onto the table. It was Samwise Ganjaleaf, who looked terrified but was secretly enjoying being pinned to the table by an old man. 

"CONFOUND YOU, SAMWISE GANJALEAF! HAVE YOU BEEN EAVESDROPPING?"  
"I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest! I thought I heard gay sex going on and I thought I'd come and watch- er, I mean investigate…"  
"A little too early for masturbation, don't you think?"  
"I-I heard raised voices…"  
"What did you hear? SPEAK!"  
"N-Nothing of importance. That is I heard a great deal about a spliff and a dark lord and something about the end of the world… Oh please, Mr Ganja, don't turn me into anything… _unnatural_"  
"No…" Ganja said, smiling at Frieda. "Perhaps not." He leaned forward and whispered into Sam's ear. "I've thought of a better use for you…"


	7. Sarucanabis The White

****

Sarucan(abis) The White

"Keep up, Samwise!" Ganja ordered, spinning around and watching Sam trail slowly behind them as they left the village. 

They reached the edge of the forest of Tookland, and it was here Ganja left them on their own. 

"Keep your eyes open, both of you." He told them. "The enemy has many spies in his service… Birds, beasts, taxi drivers… And never spark up the Bong. It wants to be found. As for me, I'm going to see my head of order. He is both powerful and wise. Trust me, Frieda, he'll know what to do. Make for the village of Bree, and stay off the road. I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pony. Laterz!" 

He climbed onto his horse and was on his way. 

As night fell, Ganja reached the tower of Orthanc, in Isengard, where Sarucan(abis) the White lived.  
"WASSUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sarucan ran down the stone steps to greet his friend.  
"WASSUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ganja yelled, giving him a high-five. He told him all about the spliff.  
"So the Bong was in the Shire the whole time…" Sarucan muttered as they went for a walk around the grounds.  
"Under my very nose," Ganja smiled. "But hey, we still have time. Time to counteract Sauron if we act quickly…"  
"Time? How much time do you think we have? Besides I'm not going to help _you_! You stole my prune juice!"  
"You what?" Ganja asked as they made their way into the main chamber of Isengard.  
"That's right," Sarucan snapped. "When I was on the toilet one day, you came in here and stole it!"  
"How do you know this?" Ganja asked.  
Sarucan cast a sidelong look at something in the next room, something covered with a sheet. It was one of the seeing crystals of Skegness.  
"A palantir is a dangerous tool, Sarucan…" Ganja muttered.  
"Why? Why we should _we_ fear to use it?"  
"They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. We don't know who else may be watching."  
"The hour is later than you think, Ganja. The Nine have already left Skegness."  
"The Nine?"  
"They will find the spiff. And kill the one who carries it…"  
Ganja gasped. "Frieda!" He went to the automatic door on his left but Sarucan quickly hit a button on his throne and Ganja walked straight into the glass and fell to the floor in a heap. He struggled to his feet and tried the other door but the same thing happened to him.  
"Sarucan, this is serious." He said. "Let me out of here."  
"Not until I get my prune juice back!"  
"NEVER!"  
Sarucan angrilly took a swipe at Ganja with his staff and so… a Grandaddy Bitch Fight began…  
"I gave you the chance of aiding me willignly," Sarucan mumbled as he spun Ganja around and around on the floor. "But you have elected the way of _PAIN_!" He raised his staff and Ganja flew upwards, towards the ceiling. 

"Shit!" Ganja shouted. "This is gonna smart in the morning…" 

BANG


	8. A Shortcut To Magic Mushrooms

****

A Shortcut To Magic Mushrooms 

As Sam made his way through the cornfields on the outskirts of the Shire, he realised Frieda was missing and shat himself. 

"Mr Frieda? _Frieda!_"  
Frieda turned around the corner and saw Sam sitting on the floor, about to take a suicide pill. "What's wrong, Sam?"  
Samsighed in relief. "I thought I'd lost you…"  
"What are you talking about?"  
Sam blushed. He didn't want to admit he was madly in love with Frieda, wanted to marry him, have ten thousand of his babies and be buried next to him when they died, so he lied.  
"Uh… it's just something Ganja said to me."  
"What did he say?"  
"Uh…. D-'Don't you lose him, Samwise Ganjaleaf.' And I don't mean to…"  
Frieda laughed. "Sam, we're still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?" 

Suddenly, two hobbits crashed into them and sent them flying to the ground. It was Very Merry and Pipe-in.  
"Frieda! Very Merry, it's Frieda Leaf!"  
"Eh-oh Frieda!"  
Sam pushed them off Frieda. "Get off him! He's mine!" He looked down and saw that both of the hobbits' arms were full of alcohol. "You've been into Farmer Faggot's fridge!" 

They heard the farmer thundering through the field, shouting angrilly and all four of them ran for their lives. 

"Don't know why he's so upset…" Very Merry panted as they ran. "It's just a couple of beers."  
"And some vodka." Pipe-in added. "Ooh, and that whisky we took yesterday. Oh, and the tequila from the week befor-"  
"YES PIPE-IN! All I'm saying is, he's clearly over-reacting…"  
Frieda stopped running because they'd reached the edge of a steep hill. But then Very Merry crashed into him, and then Pipe-in and then Sam. They all tumbled down the hill and landed one on top of the other, much to Sam's enjoyment. 

"I think I've broken a carrot…" Very Merry said, reaching under him.  
"Ow, ow, ow! Get off my p-"  
Sam interrupted Frieda by shouting, "Trust a Randyfuck and a Spook!"  
"You what?" Very Merry asked. "That was just a little detour. A shortcut."  
"Shortcut to what?"  
"Magic Mushrooms!" Pipe-in cried excitedly, pointing to the cluster of mushrooms at the roadside. 

Very Merry, Pipe-in and Sam all pushed and shoved to get their hands on some, while Frieda stood anxiously nearby, remembering Ganja's advice…  
"I think we should get off the road…" He said, only to be completely ignored by the others. Suddenly, he heard a piercing shriek and heard horses drawing near.  
"Get off the road!" He cried, dragging the others into a bush. They clung together in fear as a big black horse with a creature dressed all in black astride it went by. 

Frieda was too frightened to tell Sam to stop caressing him. He suddenly felt as though he needed a relaxation, and reached into his pocket for the spliff.  
The rider in black suddenly stopped and jumped off it's horse. It had smelt something (and it wasn't the fart Pipe-in had just let rip)…  
Frieda reached into his other pocket for his lighter, his eyes rolling over in his head as he lost control of his own actions…  
Sam suddenly shook Frieda and he woke from his trance and as a distraction, Very Merry threw some of his precious mushrooms over the trees and the rider left hurriedly to investigate the noise he'd heard. 

The hobbits took their chance and ran off quickly.  
"What was that?" Sam asked as they neared the harbour that would take them across to Bree.  
Frieda couldn't speak. He could hardly make sense of what had just happened. He looked down at the spliff, still in his hands. What was about the spliff that made it so irresistable?  
"What is going on?" Pipe-in asked impatiently.  
"That Black Rider was looking for something, or someone…" Very Merry looked straight into Frieda's eyes. "Frieda?"  
"We have to get across the river." Frieda whispered. "S-Sam and I must get to Bree…" 

"Right," Very Merry nodded. "Fucklecherry Ferry. Follow me."


	9. At the Sign of the Prancing Pony

****

At The Sign Of The Prancing Pony 

After a tedious boat ride where Sam threw up six times and Pipe-in and Very Merry thought it would be fun to fill Frieda's pants with fish while he was asleep, they reached Bree and entered the Prancing Pony Inn. 

"Good evening young masters." Said Barleyman Butterfly, the innkeeper. "If you're seeking accomadation, we've got some nicy cosy hobbit-sized rooms available, Mister er…"  
"U-Underhill," Frieda stammered, thinking it would be best to leave the name of Leaf behind him. For that name was not safe outside the Shire. "My name is Underhill. We're friends of Ganja the Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?"  
"Ganja?" Butterfly said, looking confused. "Ganja? Hmmm… was he an elderly chap, really tall, big grey pubes, pointy cock?"  
Frieda nodded.  
"Never heard of him,"  
Frieda didn't know what to do. Why wasn't Ganja hear yet? 

While Frieda was still fuming about being stood up, Very Merry, Pipe-in and Sam got over it after a couple of beers. And pretty soon, they got Frieda drunk too. 

Sam shook Frieda's arm. "That man has done nothing but stare at you since we got here…" He pointed at the sinister looking man in the corner.   
Frieda turned around and blew him a kiss. Then he stopped Butterfly as he walked past and asked who the man was.  
"He's one of them ranger folk. Not very friendly-like. Keeps to himself. Nobody knows his real name but around these parts, he's known as Stoner…"  
Frieda watched as Stoner emptied a tub of LSD into his drink and downed it in a second.  
"You know, I used to walk home with Demsie when I was seven…" Frieda slurred, rubbing Pipe-in's arm for some reason.  
"Who's Demsie?"  
"I dunno, but I walked home with him…"  
"I think you've had too much to drink. Maybe you should go to bed…"  
"I'll take him!" Sam volunteered excitedly, happy to take advantage of Frieda while he was drunk.  
"I ain't going to bed yet!" Frieda shouted. "I still need to bake cookies with Cynthia."  
"Who's Cynthia?"  
"She's friends with Demsie."  
"Who's Demsie?"  
"I already told you, I DON'T KNOW!" He sighed and said, "I need something green and glorious." And because he was too drunk to know what he was doing, he pulled the One Bong out of his pocket and sparked it up.  
At once everything around him began to blur and his hearing became sharper, more enhanced. 

The Black Riders suddenly sensed the presence of the Bong nearby and headed for the direction of Bree… 

Frieda jumped out of his seat and began spinning around in circles, trying to chase his own tail, or the tail he thought he had anyway. Suddenly he stopped spinning and saw a biug red eye glaring at him.  
_'You cannot hide…'_ a voice boomed in his ears. _'I see you… There is no life in the void. Only… death.'_  
Panicked, Fieda stubbed the spliff out on the table and the man in the corner suddenly stood up and dragged Frieda upstairs. "You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr _Underhill_"  
Frieda screamed like a woman as he was pushed into a bedroom. "What do you want?" He asked.  
"A little more caution from you. That is no mere spliff you carry."  
"I carry nothing."  
"Indeed? I can get effective drugs if I want them, but to get stoned that quickly, that is a rare gift…" Stoner threw back his hood and revealed his face.  
"Who _are_ you?" Frieda asked.  
Stoner chose to ignore this. "Are you frightened?"  
"Yes…" Frieda squeaked.  
"Not nearly frightened enough I know what hunts you… It is the-" 

Suddenly the door opened and in burst Very Merry, Pipe-in and Sam all three weilding swords.  
"Come on then, bitch, bring it on!" Sam bellowed. "I'll fucking chin ya!"  
Stoner sighed. "You have a stout heart, Master Hobbit, but it will take more than that on this quest." He turned back to Frieda. You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frieda. They're coming…"


	10. The Spazgul

****

The Spazgul 

The black riders moved slowly towards the hobbits' beds that night, each one drawing out their swords. And then, in one swift action, they plunged their swords into the blankets over and over again. 

But when they pulled away the blankets to look at the dead hobbits and try to find the One Bong, they found nothing but a pile of shorn duvets and pillows. They shrieked at the trap they had fallen into and quickly fled from the inn. 

Very Merry, Pipe-in and Sam trembled on Stoner's bed, trying to fall asleep, but Frieda sat wide-awake at the foot of the bed and looked at Stoner as he watched the creatures leave. 

"What are they?" He asked.  
Stoner looked at him sadly. "They were once men. Great kings of men. Then Sauron the Deceiver gave them nine spliffs of power. Blinded by their addictions, they took them without question. One by one falling into darkness… They are now slaves to his will. They are The Spazgul. Bongwraiths. Neither living nor dead. At all times, they feel the presence of the spliff, drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you." 

And because of this, Stoner led them into the wild. 

"How do we know this Stoner is a friend of Ganja?" Sam asked quietly as they plodded through the woods.  
"We have no choice but to trust him," Frieda replied.  
"But where is he leading us?"  
"To Rivenhell, Master Ganjaleaf. To the house of Elbong."  
"Did you hear that?" Sam whispered excitedly. "Rivenhell! We're going to see the elves!"


	11. A Knife in the Dark

****

A Knife In The Dark 

It was a few days later, when Stoner led them up the great watchtower mountain of Weathertop, that disaster struck. Stoner had gone for a walk, leaving them with a few elvish blades in case any enemies came across their hideout. Frieda, completely bollocksed by the events that he had gone through since Dildo's party, had settled down to sleep. But when he woke up, he saw Sam, Very Merry and Pipe-in gathered around a large fire, cooking food. 

"What are you doing?!" Frieda shouted, sitting up.  
"Pork chops, sausages, nice crispy bacon!" Very Merry replied, stuffing his face.  
"We saved some for you, Mr Frieda." Sam said, offering Frieda a bowl.  
"I'm vegetarian, you wankers!" Frieda shouted. "Put it out, you fools! Put it out!" He stamped out the fire, causing an uproar between the other hobbits.  
"Oh, that's nice! Ash on my tomatoes!"  
"Just because you're vegetarian, doesn't mean you can spoil _our_ dinner!"  
Their argument was cut short by an earth-shattering scream. The Nazgul had seen their fire and heard their shouts and were now galloping up the mountain towards them. 

"Shit!" Frieda cried, pulling out his sword. The others did the same. "RUN!"  
They turned and ran through the cave, up the stone steps and into a large clearing, where there was no escape. (Quite stupid really. And not very good for health and safety reasons…)  
Frieda gasped in horror as the nazgul closed in on them. They pushed the other hobbits aside and walked slowly towards Frieda who backed away in fear. Then he dropped his sword and ran, only to trip over and fall to the ground. (Stupid fat hobbit) Not knowing what else to do, he reached into his pocket and took out the Bong. One of the Nazgul slowly turned it's hooded head towards him, pulled out it's sword and ran to him. Frieda crawled away, terrified, until he was cornered. Just as the Nazgul leaned over him, raising his sword for the final blow, Frieda quickly skinned up and a protective cloud of smoke surrounded him, making it impossible for the Nazgul to see him. But through these clouds, Frieda saw the Nazguls in a new form. They were thin, white and ghostly apparations with bony, chiseled faces and rustic crowns perched on their skulls. The nearest one held out his bony hand, trying to take the Bong off Frieda. But Frieda drew his hand back and in anger, the Nazgul thrust his sword into Frieda's chest. 

But then suddenly, a yell echoed throughout the mountain and before the Nazgul could turn properly to see who it was, Stoner sprang on them, weilding his sword and torch, attacking every Nazgul that approached him. While Stoner fought them off, Frieda struggled to stub out the spliff and when he finally did, the wound he had received finally kicked in and he screamed like hell.  
"Frieda!" Sam cried, rushing to his side.  
"Oh, Sam…" Frieda whispered.  
Sam grinned from ear to ear at this affection and momentarily forgot Frieda's danger. 

Meanwhile, Stoner had successfully managed to set all the wraiths on fire with the help of a 'little' lighter fluid. Once they were taken care of, Stoner also went to see how Frieda was doing.  
"Help him, Stoner!" Sam said.  
Stoner looked at the sword at Frieda's side. "He's been stabbed by a Skegness blade." The sword suddenly turned to ashes. "This is beyond my skill. He needs elvish medicine." He picked Frieda up and carried him back down the mountain. The others followed.  
"We're six days from Rivenhell!" Sam protested. "He'll never make it!" 

A few hours later, when they were deep in the forests, Sam brushed Frieda's cheek gently, pretending he was checking how he was doing.  
"He,s- uh, he's going cold!"  
"Is he going to die?" Pipe-in asked tearfully.  
"He's passing into the shadow world." Stoner replied. "He'll soon became a wraith like them. Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?"  
"Athelas?"  
"Kingsfoil."  
"Aye, Kingsfoil, sir. It's a weed."  
"Go get some. We all need to chill out a bit." 

So both Sam and Stoner set off into the forest in search of the plant. But just when Stoner had found some, he felt a dagger held to his throat and looked up. 

"What's this?" The female voice above him said mockingly. "A Ranger caught off his guard?"


	12. Rivenhell

****

Rivenhell 

Frieda was just about to pop his clogs (putting it quite bluntly) when a beautiful elven princess came to his rescue. Stoner claimed to have found _her_ in the woods. 

"I am Arwen." She said in elvish. "I've come to help you. Hear my voice, come back to the light…" 

Frieda got out his elvish to english dictionary and quickly translated what she'd said. "Oh, OK." He said, getting a little bit better, but not quite enough. 

"Frieda…" Arwen whispered as Stoner sparked up the Kingsfoil and passed it around the group. "He's fading," She said. "He's not going to last. We must get him to my father."  
"Oh, fuck Frieda." Said Stoner, who was too busy getting high on the Kingsfoil, but after a dirty look from Sam, who was VERY concerned for Frieda's health, Stoner nodded and carried Frieda to his horse.  
"I've been looking for you for two days," Arwen explained. "There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know."  
"Stay with the hobbits," Stoner told her. "I'll send horses for you."  
"Excuse me, I'm the faster rider here. I'll take him."  
"The road is too dangerous."  
"If I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect him." She placed her hand on Stoner's. "I do not fear them…" She whispered.  
Stoner nodded and helped her onto the horse. "Ride hard," He said. "Don't look back."  
Arwen rode off through the trees, much to the despair of the other hobbits.  
_"What are you doing?!"_ Sam shouted. "Those wraiths are still out there!" 

Arwen took Frieda all the way to Rivenhell, though the Nazgul were in hot pursuit. She managed to fight them off with the garden house outside the house of Elbong and in a couple of days, thanks to the great skill and expertise of Arwen's father, Elbong, Frieda was in tip top condition once more. When he woke up a few days after their arrival at Rivenhell, he didn't have a clue what was going on.  
"Where am I?" He murmured.  
"You are in the house of Elbong," A voice echoed in his ears. "And it is ten o' clock in the morning, on October 24th if you'd like to know…"  
Frieda opened his eyes and got the shock of his life. "Ganja!"  
"Yes," Ganja said as he sat next to Frieda's bed. "I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too… A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. But you have some strength in you, my dear hobbit."  
Frieda painfully pulled himself into a sitting position. "What happened, Ganja?" He asked. "Why didn't you meet us?"  
"Oh, I am sorry, Frieda, but I-" He paused before adding, "I was delayed." 

But he was lying. That's right, Ganja was LYING. Don't believe him, kids, don't believe anything that comes out of that guys mouth, it's all crap, it's all lies, it's..erm, well anyway, back to the story. After the grandaddy bitch fight with Sarucan, Ganja was taken to the pinnacle of Orthanc and was kept up there for ages. But one day, a butterfly landed in his hand and he told the butterfly to send an aeroplane, and make sure there was a first class window seat with the vegetarian meal available for him. A few weeks later, Sarucan came up to the top of the tower to see Ganja.  
"A friendship with Sarucan is not lightly thrown aside…" Sarucan had muttered dangerously as he battered the snot out of Ganja. "One ill turn deserves another. You refused to give me back my prune juice or aid me in my quest for the Bong. It is over. Embrace the power of the Bong…"  
Suddenly, Ganja noticed the little butterfly flitter past, and then an aeroplane behind Sarucan, gliding slowly towards them.  
"… Or embrace your own destruction!"  
Ganja struggled to his feet. "There is only one Lord of the Bong, Sarucan. Only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power!"  
And before Sarucan could say or do anything else, Ganja dived off the tower and landed on the roof of the aeroplane.  
Sarucan watched in horror as an air hostess pulled Ganja inside and the plane disappeared into the night.  
"So you have chosen death…" Sarucan hissed. 

"Ganja?" Frieda asked. "What is it?"  
Ganja woke from his recollection and said, "Nothing, Frieda."  
"Frieda!"  
Frieda turned around and was suddenly hugged to near death by Sam.  
"Oh bless you, you're awake!" He cried.  
"Sam has hardly left your side," Ganja explained with a smile.  
"We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mister Ganja?"  
"By the skills of Lord Elbong, you're beginning to mend," said Ganja, indicating the tall, elderly elf at his side.  
"Welcome to Rivenhell, Frieda Leaf." Elbong smiled. 

Once Frieda was well enough to leave his room, he began to explore Rivenhell with Sam, Very Merry and Pipe-in, who were all ecstatic to see Frieda on his feet again.  
But not as ecstatic as Frieda, who , while they were checking out the local elf ladies, heard a very familiar voice singing a very familiar song… 

__

'If you wanna be my lover,  
You have got to give,  
Taking is too easy,  
But that's the way it is…' 

"Dildo!" Frieda cried, running up to the bench where Dildo sat and hugging him.  
"Hello, Frieda, my lad!"  
"Dildo!"  
After a long catch-up, Dildo showed Frieda his book, which he had finally finished.  
"'There and Back Again…'" Frieda said, reading the front cover. "'A Hobbit's Tale by Dildo Slaggins!' This is wonderful!"  
"I meant to go back," Dildo explained. "Wonder at the powers of Berkwood, visit Fake-town, see the Lonely Mountain again… But age, it seems, has finally caught up with me." 

Frieda's smile faded as he saw a map of the Shire inside Dildo's book. "I miss the Shire," He sighed. 

A few days later, three people arrived at Rivenhell. 

One was Gimpli, son of Groin, a dwarf that looks remarkably like me (ie: short, fat and ginger). 

The second was a man, a legendary shoplifter called Borrow-mir, who thought he was all that just because his dad was steward of a nobody-land called Gondor. 

And the last (but DEFINITELY not the least) was a fucking tasty looking elf called Legohash, who was really really cute and had pretty eyes. Did I mention he was fucking tasty looking? 

These three people (well, one dwarf, one man and one SEX GOD!!!!!!!) came to Rivenhell to attend the council of Elbong.


	13. The Council of Elbong

****

The Council of Elbong 

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old," said Elbong as the council began. "You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Skegness. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the spliff, Frieda." 

Frieda stood up and nervously placed the spliff onto the small stone table in the centre of the circle of seats. 

Borrow-mir's eyes lit up as soon as he saw it.  
"So it is true," He whispered.  
Everybody stared longingly at the spliff, except Gimpli who frowned (Yeah! GO GIMPLI! YOU ROCK!).  
"It is a gift," said Borrow-mir. "A gift to the foes of Skegness. Why not use the spliff? Why not smoke it until it runs out. It HAS to run out sometime!"  
" You cannot wield it," Stoner interrupted coldly. "None of us can. The One Bong answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."  
"Oh, and what would a ranger know of this matter?" Borrow-mir snapped. 

Legohash suddenly jumped to his feet angrilly (aww…he's so cute when he's angry!). "This is no mere ranger!" He exclaimed. "He is Aroporn, son of Arothorn. You owe him your allegience…"  
Borrow-mir looked shocked. "Aroporn…" He muttered. "_This_ is Isildur's heir?"  
"And heir to the thrown of Gondor!" Legohash continued.  
Stoner (or Aroporn, as the truth has no come out) sighed. "Sit down, Legohash."  
Borrow-mir glared at Legohash as he sat back down. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." 

Desperate to break the ice, Ganja said, "Aroporn is right. We cannot use it."  
"Then you have only one choice," said Elbong. "The Bong must be destroyed." 

"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimpli muttered. He pulled out his axe but as he hit the Bong, there was a flash of red light and Gimpli fell to the floor, his axe shattering into pieces. But the Bong, amazingly enough, was intact. 

"The Bong cannot be destroyed, Gimpli son of Groin, by any craft that we here possess." Elbong explained. "The Bong was made in the fires of Mount Doom, only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Skegness and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you… must do this." 

A VERY awkward silence. 

Borrow-mir sighed. "One does not simply walk into Skegness. It's Black Gates are guarded by more than just… erm…guards. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with tacky souvenir stores, overpriced hot dog stands and…" he shuddered. "_Tourists…_. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It's bullshit." 

Legohash suddenly jumped to his feet again n a very sexy way. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elbong has said? The Bong must be destroyed!"  
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!" Gimpli yelled angrilly.  
"And if we fail what then?" Borrow-mir asked. "What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"  
"I will be dead before I see the Bong in the hands of an elf!" Gimpli roared. 

A big giant argument was in process, until Frieda started to hear the Bong muttering things in the language of Skegness (so nobody would be able to understand it. Not even me. And I've lived in Skegness for about 8 years…ish. On the actual film, if you listen carefully to the Ring, it sounds like it's saying "Crash Bandicoot" over and over again). Frieda bravely decided that he would take the Bong to Skegness.  
"Though I do not know the way," he said timidly.  
Ganja smiled. "I will help you bear this burden, Frieda Leaf. As long as it is yours to bear."  
Araporn stood up, also smiling. "If by life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."  
"And you have my bow-locks." Legohash said.  
The others gave him weird looks.  
"Er… I mean, my bow, my bow."  
"And my axe." Said Gimpli.  
"But Gimpli, you just broke your axe trying to destroy the Bong…"  
"Shit."  
"You carry the fate of us all, little one," said Borrow-mir. "If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done." 

Footsteps sounded and Sam ran out from behind a large bush.  
"Mr Frieda isn't going anywhere without me!" He cried, stopping next to him.  
"Indeed it is hardly possible to separate you," Elbong grinned. "Even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."  
"We're coming too!" A voice shouted nearby. Very Merry and Pipe-in ran out from behind two pillars and joined Frieda and the others.  
"Yeah, you'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us."  
"Anyway," Pipe-in smiled. He was obviously stoned. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest… thing."  
"Well that rules you out, Pipe." Very Merry muttered.  
"Nine companions," Elbong commented as he looked at the group of volunteers. "So be it. You should be the Helloship of the Bong."  
"Great!" Pipe-in grinned. "Where are we going?"


	14. Dildo's Gifts

****

Dildo's Gifts 

"My old sword, Thing. I love this sword, so if you don't bring it back I'll FUCKING KILL YOU!" Dildo said as he handed the blade to Frieda for his journey. "It plays 'Everybody Dance Now' when tourists are near. And it's times like that my lad, that you want to be extra careful… Now here's a pretty thing." Dildo lifted up a pearled suit of armour. "_Mithril_…"  
"Oooh, is that that armour stuff that's as light as a feather but as hard as dragon scales?" Frieda asked.  
"No," Dildo replied. "But it's great for clubbing. Let me see you put it on…"  
Frieda nervously took off his shirt, glancing up at Dildo who was watching him keenly. As Frieda threw his shirt on the floor, the One Bong rolled out of his pocket and Frieda quickly picked it up. 

It was too late though. Didlo had already seen it. "M-My old spliff!" He whispered, smiling faintly. "Oooh, I should very much like to smoke it again, one last time." 

"Fuck off," said Frieda, stuffing the Bong back into his pocket.  
"Rargggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dildo screeched. He pounced on Frieda and tried to take the spliff, but Frieda put up a good fight and managed to pin him to the floor. 

Suddenly the door opened. "Mr Frieda, I thought you might like some-" Sam screamed in horror and dropped the packet of Sherbet Lemons to the floor. His precious Mr Frieda, topless and straddling his own uncle?! Had the world done a 180? 

"Sam, I can explain!" Frieda protested, but Sam ran out of the room, crying his eyes out. "Shit," Frieda muttered. "Thanks a lot, Dildo, he would have put out as well!" 

But Dildo wasn't paying attention, he was looking at the Sherbet Lemons, scattered all over the floor. "Anybody gonna eat those?" He asked.


	15. The Spliff Goes South

****

The Spliff Goes South

And so, the Helloship of the Bong, set off towards Skegness, taking a little stop at a garage station because Aroporn needed to 'drain his lizard'. 

Very Merry and Pipe-in piled 378 packets of Haribo onto the counter, Ganja stocked up on Superkings and Borrow-mir shoved a packet of Skips into his pocket and walked out without paying, looking very suspicious indeed. 

Sam was rudely interrupted from looking at the top shelf of magazines by Frieda. 

"Sam, I'm sorry…"  
"Get away from me, you man-whore!"  
"But Sam, it was a mistake!"  
"Yeah right!"  
"We only did it once!"  
"Oh, _sure_ you did…"  
"I was thinking of you the whole time!"  
"I thought you loved me, Frieda!"  
"I do, but-"  
"But what? But now you're leaving me to go off with HIM?!"  
"No, you don't understand, we never-"  
"NO! Just go, Frieda! Just go! Walk out the door! Don't turn around now! You know why?"  
"Erm, because-?"  
"COZ YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE!"  
"Fine!" Frieda snapped. "FUCK YOU THEN! FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING NOSTRIL!" He stormed out of the garage and slammed the door.  
Everybody looked at Sam, who sniffed and whispered, "I will survive…"  
Frieda muttered angrily under his breath and saw Ganja and Gimpli waiting for the others by their horses. They were both sitting on Borrow-mir's shield, smoking the cigarettes Ganja had just bought. Borrow-mir was nearby, being strip searched by security, Aroporn was still in the toilet and Legohash was pulling mooneys at the cars that went by. Frieda sat down next to Ganja and Gimpli and nosed in on their conversation… 

"If anyone should ask me, which I note they're not," Gimpli was saying. "I'd say that we were going the long way round. Ganja, we could pass through the mines of Gore-ia. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."  
"No, Gimpli." Ganja replied. "I would not pass through Gore-ia unless there was no other way."  
"Bitch…" Gimpli muttered.  
Araporn came out of the toilets. "Bloody hell, guys. I wouldn't go in there for a while, if you know what I m- Hey… what's that?" He pointed at something in the sky.  
Everybody else looked up and saw something big and black heading towards them.  
"Oh, it's just a cloud." Said Gimpli.  
"No, it isn't! It's that goddamn spaceship from Independence Day!"  
"It's the Blair Witch!"  
"Crebain from Dunland!"  
"What's a crebain!"  
"Where's Dunland?"  
"I'm telling you, it's just a fucking cloud!"  
"Look," said Legohash. "Whatever it is, can we just fucking hide already?"  
The others exchanged glances.  
"Yeah, okay." 

Everybody dived under cars or hid inside the garage as the black things that were actually seagulls from Skegness flew past the garage and vanished into the clouds. 

But the seagulls had spotted Frieda, who was standing in the middle of the street, with his hands over his eyes in the hope that nobody would see him, and so the seagulls reported back to Sarucan, who chuckled. 

"So, Ganja…" he muttered. "You try to lead them over Caradhras, do you? But if the mountain defeats you… Where then will you go?"


	16. The Pass of Caradhras

****

The Pass Of Caradhras

And so, Ganja the Wizard, Frieda Leaf, Aroporn, Gimpli, Legohash, Borrow-mir, Very Merry, Pipe-in and…………. Sam made their way up the snowy slopes of the mountain Caradhras. 

Frieda ran to catch up with Sam. "Please forgive me," he said quietly.  
"Hmmm…let me see, NO."  
"Oh come on, Sam! I said I'm sorry like a million times, what else do you want me to say?"  
"How about 'I'm moving to Rohan, Sam'? 'I'm going to jump off this mountain, Sam'? Anything that'll cheer me up!"  
"Fine!" Frieda replied firmly. "I WILL jump off the fucking mountain then!" He ran to the edge of the cliff and was just about to jump when…  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Sam leapt forward and pulled Frieda back, both them landed in a heap in the snow. 

"I forgive you!" Sam whimpered. "I forgive you, just _please_ don't do anything like that again!"  
Frieda nodded and suddenly realised that the One Bong had fallen out of his pocket. He searched frantically in the snow for it, then turned around, just in time to see Borrow-mir pick it up, gazing at it in awe… 

"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt…over so small a thing…" He lifted the spliff towards his lips and pulled a lighter out of his pocket with his other hand… 

"Borrow-mir." Aroporn said firmly.  
Borrow-mir snapped out of it and looked up.  
"Give the Bong to Frieda…"  
Borrow-mir looked at Frieda, then at Aroporn, then at the Bong in his hand. "As you wish," he said reluctantly, holding the Bong out to Freida, who snatched it back off him and stuffed it into his pocket. "I care not." He ruffled Frieda's hair, turned back round and carried on up the mountain. 

Legohash somehow managed to walk on top of the snow, while everybody else had to force their way through it.  
"Hey, Legohash, how do you walk on top of snow like that?" Asked Gimpli.  
Legohash turned around and smirked. "It's called a diet. You should start one. Actually Gimpli, you should stop eating altogether, because when you don't eat, your body starts to eat itself, and if you stop eating for long enough, maybe your body will eat your ass…" He turned back round, leaving Gimpli and the hobbits looking shocked.  
Very Merry made a buzzing noise. "Ouch, he's a stinger."  
"Vain bastard…" Gimpli muttered.  
"Legohash didn't hear that, but he did hear something else. "There is a fell voice in the air…" He said..  
They all listened.  
"For the last time, Ganja!" A deep voice boomed. "Give me back my PRUNE JUICE!!!!!!!"  
"It's SARUCAN!!!!!"  
Sarucan stood on the Pinnacle of Orthanc, bellowing out incantatons and spells on the mountain. Soon, a violent storm began and Aroporn was the first to wuss out. "This pass is too dangerous!" He yelled through the thunder. "Ganja! We must turn back!"  
"No!"  
"We could make for the gap of Rohan, and take the west road through my city!" Borrow-mir suggested.  
"But the gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!"  
"Oh, shut up, Aroporn! You just don't wanna go back ot Gondor because you're supposed to be King! And everybody will hate you because you abandoned them!"  
"Shut up!"  
"No you shut up, you loser!"  
"Oh, whatever Madonna Wannabe!"  
"Oh that is SO old, Aroporn!"  
"SHUT UP!"  
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Leg waxer!"  
"Eyebrow plucker!"  
"Lady!"  
"Tramp!"  
"Both of you stop that!" Gimpli ordered. "If we cannot pass over the mountain, why not go under it?" Let us go through the Mines of Gore-ia." 

__

'Gore-ia…'Ganja heard Sarucan's voice inside his head. _'You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the tunnels of Khazad-Dum…Shadow and flame…'_

"Let the Bong Bearer decide…" Ganja said. "Frieda?"  
"Erm…"  
"You have three lifelines."  
"Oh, ok, can I ask the audience?"  
"Yup. Alright guys, what do you think?" Ganja asked, turning to the others. "Should we go over the happy little mountain and have fun playing in the snow, or shall we go through the dirty, dark old mines and probably never come out alive?" 

Everybody, even Gimpli chose the mountain route. But Frieda was too stoned to care and said, "We will go through the mines."  
Ganja sighed and took a long drag from his cigarette. "So be it."


	17. A Journey In The Dark

****

A Journey In The Dark

So, because Frieda (like the big fat asshole wanker knobhead pissface scrotum sucking dick licking garden gnome fuckwit emotional disgrace dumbass moronic mindless shit for brains FOOL that he is) decided they should go through the mines of Gore-ia, they did. And when they got there, Ganja didn't know how to get through the door (even though it was quite simple: all he had to do was knock on the door, do the Maccarina, circle the lake sixteen times while reciting Edgar Allen Poe poetry, do an impression of a deranged octopus, solve the meaning of life, bang his elbow against his chin and then sing _Madame Butterfly_). But when Ganja had done all this, a real deranged octopus thing tried to kill Frieda, but enough about that, let's move on. 

So they went into the mines, and straight away Gimpli wouldn't shut up about how great they were. 

"Soon, Master Elf," he said to Legohash who wasn't interested in the slightest. "You shall enjoy the fable hospitality of the dwarves: Malt beer, ripe meat off the bone…"  
"Ewww… shut up! I'm hungover as it is! I don't want to hear about your crummy mines right now!"  
"This isn't a mine," Borrow-mir muttered. "It's a tomb…" 

It was at this point that everybody noticed the mine was full of dead bodies.  
"FUCKING HELL!" Gimpli shouted.  
"Ugghh…" Legohash winced, turning away in disgust. "That's just gross!"  
"Legohash, you're supposed to bend down, pick up one of the arrows in the dead guys and say 'Tourists!'" Ganja told him.  
"Why?"  
"Because that's what Legolas does in the actual film."  
"No, he doesn't, he says 'Goblins!' and I'm not Legolas, I'm Lego_hash_, the drugged up elven prince from Berkwood."  
"DO IT NOW!"  
"Aw, man…" Legohash rolled his eyes, bent down next to one of the skeletons, pulled out an arrow and said (rather reluctantly) "Tourists!" 

"We now have but one choice," said Ganja. "We must face the long, dark of Gore-ia. Be on your guard, there are older and fouler things than Tourists in the deep places of the world…"  
"What?"  
"Are you sure?"  
"That can't be true! I remember this one time, there was this big bitch in front of me taking photos of the Argonath and I was trying to get past but she was walking so _slow_!"  
"Yeah!"  
"I know what you mean, Aroporn, we had the same sort of thing in Hobbiton last year. Didn't we, Pipe-in? All these big bastards just came into our village, just littering everywhere, stopping in the middle of the street to take pictures of really boring everyday things!"  
"Like market stalls…"  
"And sheep…"  
"Oh, and snowmen! Remember Sam? When you made that snowman that all the tourists went wild over? You know, the one with the carrot for a pe-"  
"BE QUIET, ALL OF YOU!" Ganja snapped, causing all of them to fall silent. "It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed…"  
"Four days?!" Gimpli cried. "But that's days and days!"  
"Yeah, four to be precise, you fucking cunt…" Legohash muttered. 

They soon passed through a long, pitch black tunnel, and Frieda wondered who it was that kept pinching his ass. As they left the tunnel, Frieda turned around and saw Sam behind him, who was grinning from ear to ear. 

Ganja looked up at the unfamiliar archways in front of him. "Shit," he mumbled to himself. "I ain't got a fucking clue where we are…"  
"Ganja?" Asked Aroporn. "Which way do we go?"  
"Er…"  
"We're lost, aren't we?" Borrow-mir sighed.  
"No!" Ganja replied nervously. "We're not lost! I just, I uh… I don't know where we are, that's all." 

Almost an hour later, the Helloship sat in the cave, waiting for Ganja to remember where they were. Aroporn and Borrow-mir shared a joint, Legohash sat on a rock and drank the last bottle of vodka without sharing and Gimpli and the hobbits played strip poker. Sam was a little disappointed (actually, what am I saying a little? He was completely distraught) that Frieda didn't want to play, that he'd rather wander around aimplessly than get naked for him.  
But Frieda was still unaware of Sam's unrequited love for him, despite all the flirting, the fondling, the pervy looks he gave him, the love letters, the sudden outbursts of "I LOVE YOU, MR FRIEDA!" that were always drowned out by the wind, the fact that Sam called out for Frieda in his sleep… 

Besides, Frieda was a little distracted at the moment. He'd just spotted something crawling deep in the pits of the cave.  
"Ganja!" He hissed. "There's something down there! It looks a bit like JK Rowling but prettier…"  
"It's Roll 'Em."  
"Roll 'Em? Y-You mean he escaped the dungeons of the Minimum Security Prison with the door unlocked, as many phone calls as you want, and only one guard?"  
"Yes. He's been following us for three years now."  
"But Ganja, we've only been on this quest for about two weeks."  
"Be quiet, let me play. Roll 'Em loves and hates the Bong, much as he hates and loves himself. It's quite sad really, go down there and tell him to go to rehab."   
But Frieda was too angry now. "It's a pity Dildo didn't kill him when he had the chance."  
"Oh shut the fuck up, Frieda. Stop being such a bitch."  
Frieda sniffed, suddenly realising for the first time what a selfish prick he was. "I wish the Bong had never come to me…" He said sadly. "I wish none of this had happened."  
"Yeah well, life's a bitch and then you marry one. Ahah! It's that way!" He stood up and pointed to the third archway.  
"He's remembered!" Pippin grinned.  
"No, I just noticed those neon Exit signs above the door actually. Oh well, let's go."  
They went through the doorway and saw a big giant cavern full of detailed pillars and high arching ceilings. 

"Bloody hell!" Said Sam. "No wonder the tourists were here!"  
As they stood around admiring the scenery, Gimpli noticed a doorway at the side of the cavern and ran inside. In there was a coffin, with 'Here Lies Balin. Rest In Pieces Little Short Arse Man' over it.  
"Oh, Gimpli, don't cry…" said Borrow-mir.  
"I'm not." Said Gimpli. "Never really liked him anyway."  
"What? But Gimpli… he's your family!"  
"What's your point, man?"  
Suddenly, Pipe-in, who had been leaning against a well in the corner of the room, fell down it, making a hell of a lot of noise as he did so.  
Ganja ran to the well and peered down it. "FOOL OF A SPOOK! THROW YOURSELF IN NEXT TIME AND RID OF US OF YOUR STUPIDITY!"  
"But I did!" Pipe-in yelled from the bottom of the well.  
"Oh shit yeah…"  
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The music echoed throughout the mines.  
"Oh shit, tourists are coming!" Frieda yelled, trying to silence his sword.  
"Oh god, what do we do? What do we do?" Legohash said, bouncing up and down panicking like all hell.  
"Will somebody get me out of here?" Pipe-in called.


	18. The Bridge of KhazadDum

****

The Bridge of Khazad-Dum

Ganja started bossing everybody around as the Everybody Dance Now music became louder and louder. He told Legohash, Borrow-mir and Aroporn to barricade the door, and for all the hobbits (except for Pipe-in, who was still stuck down the well) to get behind him.  
Sam suddenly grabbed Frieda's hand. "Don't be scared, Mr Frieda. I'm here."  
"I'm not scared, Sam."  
"Oh, that's alright then." But he didn't let go of Frieda's hand all the same.  
Gimpli didn't seem to notice the that the tourists were on the way. He was dancing and jumping up and down on Balin's coffin, singing, "Ha ha ha ha-ha! This is what you get for always showing off at the New Years parties! _'Oooh, look at me, I'm the fricking Lord of Gore-ia! Hey, Uncle Groin, wouldn't you rather have me as your son than Gimpli?'_ You show off bastard! Well, you ain't the boss of me now! YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME NOW!!!!!"  
The others stared at him.  
"Um… I mean, let them come. There is still one dwarf in Gore-ia who still draws breath!"  
"That's better." Said Borrow-mir. "Oh, they have a cave troll by the way."  
"WHAT?!"  
The door crashed open and in marched thousands and thousands of tourists, all donning ridiculous anoraks and jogging bottoms, all armed with cameras and sticks of rock. And then, in came the cave troll who was short, cute and had loadsa spiky pink hair like those little toy trolls you used to get with the big glassy eyes.  
The Helloship took one look at it and burst out laughing, but the cutesy little troll got pretty miffed and turned into a big, slimy ugly cave troll, which made the laughter turn into screams of horror.  
"Don't worry, guys!" Ganja shouted as the others fought away the tourists. He stepped bravely in front of the troll and added, "I read how to defeat trolls in a book!" He raised his staff and bellowed, "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!"  
But that wasn't going to work. Because it's from Harry Potter and everything in Harry Potter is pure bullshit (By JK Rowling my ass. I bet she has twenty orphans writing those books for her…) 

Pipe-in, who was trying to climb out of the well, asked "What's going on? Why is everyone screaming and grunting? Has Gimpli taken off his clothes or something?"  
Frieda and Sam ran away from the troll but, being the complete prats that they are, soon found themselves cornered.  
"Oh, Mr Frieda!" Sam cried, giving Frieda a huge kiss on the lips. "Before we die, I just- I just want you to know that I LOVE YOU!"  
Frieda turned to Sam, shocked. "WHAT?!"  
But while Frieda was distracted, the troll stabbed him with a big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around…  
"FRIEDA!!!!!!!" Sam shouted.  
Aroporn tried to get to Frieda, but there were so many tourists in front of him, and they were all moving so goddamn SLOW!  
"GET OUTTA MY WAY, YOU FOREIGN CUNTS!!!!!" Aroporn shouted. 

Legolas decided to take matters into his own hands. "Hey look!" He shouted. "An uninteresting looking well!"  
All the tourists stopped and ran towards the well in delight, all checking if they had enough film. Pipe-in, who had just managed to climb to the top, was horrified to see tons of tourists taking pictures of him and fell to the bottom again.  
With the tourists temporarily out of the way, the others tried to kill the troll, but it still refused to bleed no matter how much they hurt it. All seemed lost, until Sam, as a last resort, and sweet revenge for killing Frieda, hit the troll over the head with a frying pan and it died in an instant, squashing all the tourists as it crashed to the floor. 

Everybody ran to Frieda, who was lying face down on the floor. Aroporn rolled him over and it turned out he was alive after all! He was only winded by the big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around.  
There must have been some happy hobbits in Middle Earth at that moment, but none could have been as happy as Sam, who took Frieda into his arms and hugged the near life out of him. "He's alive!"  
"You should be dead, that big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around could have skewered a wild boar."  
"Yeah but I'm the main character," Frieda explained. "I'm not allowed to die in a story like this. Especially one written by Rachel..." 

__

I could kill you if I wanted too, Frieda! 

"Yeah right, I'd like to see you try!" 

Suddenly, Frieda fell to the floor again and began to writhe about in pain, clutching at his chest because I gave him a heart attack. 

"Okay… Okay! I-I-I'm sorry! P-Please STOP!" 

Frieda suddenly became better. 

__

And let that be a lesson to the rest of you characters! NOBODY fucks with Rachel Louise Gosling! 

"Yes, ma'am." All the characters muttered, hanging their heads in shame. 

__

Good. Now carry on with the story or it's back to the notebook for the lot of you! 

The characters winced at the thought of this punishment and continued. 

"It was Dildo's mithril that saved me," said Frieda, unbuttoning his shirt and exposing the mithril underneath. "Looks like it wasn't just for clubbing after all…"  
Sam reached out his hand and began to caress Frieda's chest, pretending he was merely seeing what the mithril felt like. 

There was a noise behind them and the Helloship spun around in fear, only to find Pipe-in clambering out of the well. He looked around at the mangled bodies of the tourists at his feet, the dead troll sprawled out across the floor, the Helloship covered in blood, Sam running his hand up and down Frieda's chest and knew that he had definitely missed something. 

Suddenly, Frieda's sword began to sing 'Everybody Dance Now' again. More tourists were on the way.  
"To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!" Ganja cried. 

They all ran out of the cavern and towards the bridge… that actually wasn't a bridge at all. It was just a piece of rope tied across a large gaping hole. 

"A _tightrope?!_" Legohash exclaimed as they approached it. "A flipping tightrope! How the hell are we supposed to get across THAT? Rach, what have you been drinking?" 

__

Nothing. You just don't see many tightropes in stories these days… 

"Hey…" Said Frieda. "How come you didn't give him a heart attack?" 

__

Because he's hot. 

Suddenly, there was a deafening roar and the Helloship could hear thunderous footsteps getting louder and louder…  
"What the fuck's that?" Asked Borrow-mir.  
"A Bogroll…" Ganja said slowly. "Quickly! Over the bridge!"  
Sam nodded, whipped out his fold up unicycle and made his way across the tightrope, juggling three apples as he went.  
The Helloship clapped and cheered, then remembered that they were in an urgent situation.  
"Legohash, quickly, go over the bridge!"  
"I can't because Rachel decided to be a complete dickhead and put it as a tightrope instead of a classic stone bridge!" 

__

Oh for fucks sake… 

The tightrope magically transformed into a classic stone bridge and the others hurriedly crossed it and joined Sam on the other side, except for Ganja who stopped at the center of the bridge and turned slowly around to face the Bogroll, a big evil creature of flame. 

"You cannot pass." He said determinedly.  
"GANJA!" Frieda yelled.  
"The old man's flipped his lid!" Very Merry shouted.  
"You cannot pass!" Ganja repeated.  
The Bogroll still tried to get across the bridge.  
"Oh fucking hell, how many times do have to fucking say it? YOU… CANNOT… PASS!!!!!" 

And he was right. Because the Bollrog didn't pass, the bridge collapsed under it's feet and the Bogroll fell into the shadow instead.  
Unfortuanatly, just as Ganja was about to turn around and run over the bridge himself, the Bogroll threw it's Cat 'O Nine Tails whip into the air and it tangled itself around Ganja's leg and pulled him to the edge of the bridge, where he clung on for dear life.  
"GANJA, NO!!!!!" Frieda cried. He ran forward to try and save him but Borrow-mir pulled him back, knowing it was too late, even though one of them could easily have saved him, they were all just lazy cunts really. 

"Tell everybody that- that my last words were… I, Ganja the Gay, have lived my life as fully and truly as I possibly could, that I love all my friends and have always looked after them to the best I could, that I will see them all again in- Oh, fuck it, let's keep it short and simple, yeah? Fly you fools." And then he was gone. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frieda screamed, before he was dragged away by Borrow-mir. 

Like most sad moments, everything suddenly went into slow motion, and really sad music mysteriously could be heard in the background. 

"AAARRROOOPPPOOORRRNNN!!!!!" Borrow-mir shouted. "MMMOOOVVVEEE YYYOOOUUURRR AAASSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" 

As soon as the Helloship left the mines of Gore-ia, the poor lickle hobbits began to cry their eyes out. Even Gimpli had to be comforted by a very eager Borrow-mir, and as for Legohash, well I certainly would have gave him _my_ shoulder to cry on… 

"Legohash." Aroporn said quietly. "You're the man."  
"What?"  
"Oh, er… I mean, uh… get them up." 

(NOTE: It _really_ does sound like he says "You're the man" in the film!) 

"Legohash started towards Very Merry and Pipe-in, until Borrow-mir shouted at him. (Bastarrd.)  
"Give them a moment for fuck's sake!"  
"This is a damn good spot for sight-seeing, Borrow-mir." Aroporn explained. "By nightfall these hills will be swarming with tourists. We gotta make for the woods of Lothl'oreal. Come on, Borrow-mir, Legohash, Gimpli, you're the man! Shit, I mean get them up!" He lifted Sam onto his feet.  
"Where's Mr Frieda?" Asked Sam. "I bet he'll need some comforting…"  
"Yeah, you're right. Frieda?" He turned around and saw Frieda standing alone in the distance. "FRIEDA!" He called. 

Frieda slowly turned around, one silent tear making it's sad little way down his cheek… 

THREE HOURS LATER

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Frieda sobbed, sitting down on the floor crying his eyeballs out.  
"Can somebody please shut him up?" Legohash asked.  
"Ignore him, Frieda." Said Pipe-in. "He's immortal, he doesn't know what it's like to feel pain." They pulled Frieda back onto his feet and carried on walking.  
"Oh, Mr Frieda?" Sam asked shyly. "W-What I said before, about loving you and all that, I-uh, I was only joking."  
"Erm… okay." Frieda gave Sam a strange look and continued walking.


	19. Lothl'oreal because it's worth it!

****

Lothl'oreal (because it's worth it!)

A few days later, they made their way through the forests of Lothl'oreal, where Gimpli gave the hobbits a grave warning. 

"Shtay closhe, young hobbitsh!" He said, showering them all in spit. "They shay that a great shorsheroush livesh in theesh woodsh. An elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her shpell…" 

__

'Frieda…' A woman's voice whispered in Frieda's mind. 

"And are never sheen again…" Gimpli continued. 

__

'Get out of my fucking forest, you pixie! You bring great evil here, BongBearer…' 

"Mr Frieda?" Sam asked nervously, wondering why he had stopped. Nobody else had heard the voice. 

"Well," Said Gimpli proudly. "Here'sh one dwarf she won't enshnare sho eashily. I have the eyesh of hawk and the earsh of a foksh…" 

Suddenly the Helloship found a row of elves standing in front of them, each one pointing an arrow at their faces. 

"Bollucksh." Gimpli muttered. 

After going through customs and being strip-searched by the elves (much to Sam's great excitement), the Helloship were taken to the main chamber of Lothl'oreal, where /Lord Celibate and Lady Galadri-hell came down the stairs to greet them. But just as they reached the last step, Galadri-hell tripped over and landed in a heap on the ground. 

The Helloship stared at her in disbelief, then looked up at Celibate for an explanation.  
"You-uh… You'll have to excuse my wife. She's had a lot to drink tonight…"  
"NO I HAVEN'T, I ONLY HAD ONE! YOU LIE!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME, CELIBATE? HOW COULD YOU?!"  
Celibate slowly shook his head and said, "8 there are here, and yet 9 there were set out from Rivenhell. Tell me, where is Ganja? For I much desired to sleep with him-uh., I mean speak with him."  
"You stupid… CUNT!" Galdri-hell screamed. "HE HAS FALLEN INTO SHADOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!"  
She struggled to her feet, leaning on Legohash for support. "Do you want to stay hear for tonight?" She asked. "We can have a sleepover, a girls night in, it'll be a right laugh!"  
"But darling, the Helloship are all men…"  
"Excuse me, I didn't ask for your opinion, Celibate! BAD BOY, go to my room!" She pissed herself laughing for about ten minutes and then suddenly stopped and looked at Frieda seriously for a moment.  
"Welcome, Frieda of the Shire…" She whispered, too drunk to realise she wasn't using her telepathic powers, she was just talking normally. "One who has seen the EYE!!!!!"  
"What eye?" Celibate asked.  
"Don't interrupt on our telepathic conversation!"  
"But you weren't having a telepathic conversation!"  
"Excuse me, Celly, but if I wasn't having a telepathic conversation, I would have known it. I mean, I'm not an idiot." She suddenly grinned, thinking up a 'hilarious' new joke. "You know what you are, Celibate? You're telepath_etic!_" She started laughing again and kept nudging Legohash until he started laughing too, looking very frightened. 

A while later, while Sam snuggled down with Frieda in the blankets, strange elvish songs could be heard playing in the distance. 

"Legohash, what's that?" Sam asked Legohash, who was wearing a demented blue dressing gown (must be a elf thing) and was raiding the fridge for a midnight snack.  
"It's a lament for Ganja."  
"What do they say about him?"  
"I don't know."  
"Oh, don't give us that crap, Legohash, you just don't want to admit that you don't have the heart to tell us- for you the grief is still too near."  
"No, I honestly don't know."  
"What?"  
"How can you not know? You're an elf!"  
Legohash shook his head slowly. "I'm only half-elf…" He muttered.  
"WHAT?!" Sam and Frieda both gasped.  
Legohash sighed. "My mother… was a goat." 

Dum dum dumn.


	20. The Mirror of Galadrihell

****

The Mirror of Galadri-hell

Frieda woke up startled from a bad dream about Mother Theresa and severed thumbs that night, only to find Sam fast asleep with his head on Frieda's chest and his hand on his thigh. It was just too much for one hobbit too handle, he managed to push Sam off him and then went for a walk through L'oreal. He sat down at the top of a grassy slope and took the One Bong out of his pocket. He knew the Nazgul would never get him here, the borders of Lothl'oreal were well protected. So, he sparked up. 

"You shouldn't smoke you know…" Galadri-hell said, appearing from nowhere and sitting down next to him. "It's not a nice hobbit." She laughed at her own joke and said, "Man, I kill myself." She cleared her throat with an air of seriousness and asked, "Will you look into the Mirror?"  
"What will I see?"  
Galadri-hell giggled. "Your reflection, jackass!" She laughed again. "No, seriously, even the wisest cannot tell. For the Mirror shows many things: things that were, things that are and some things that… erm… I forget. But my point is… erm… I forget that too. Just look in the Mirror, OK?" 

"Why?"  
"I don't know. Just do it, it's fun."  
"Galadri-hell, have you been drinking again?"  
Galadri-hell stood staring blankly into space for a while, her head swaying from side to side like a charmed snake. "Of course not, Rex." She replied.  
"Who's Rex?"  
Galadri-hell shrugged. "OK, here's the deal, you get to look into the Mirror, and see your entire future, if you give me your little friend's phone number…"  
"Which friend's phone number?"  
"Oh, you know, the blonde one, hangs around with you all the time."  
"Sam?"  
Galadri-hell nodded eagerly.  
This time it was Frieda who laughed. "You fancy SAM? He would never go out with you!"  
"Why not? How come he likes you but he doesn't like me?"  
"Because I have a cock."  
An awkward pause.  
"Good point," Galadri-hell sighed. "But still… I had this feeling he was coming on to me and I just thought…"  
"What about Celibate?"  
"Who?"  
"Your husband."  
"Oh! No, Sam wasn't coming on to him…"  
"No! I mean, why would you want Sam's number if you've already got a husband?"  
"I think my husband's name should give you some clue. Jeez, I haven't had sex since like the First Age when me and Elbong got really drunk and- er… I'm gonna pretend I never said that."  
"OK, I'll pretend I never heard it."  
After another awkward pause, Frieda offered the spliff to Galadri-hell. "You wanna hit this shit?"  
Galadri-hell looked shocked. "You offer it to me freely." She whispered. "I do not deny that my heart has longed greatly for this…"  
"Don't they have drugs here in Lothl'oreal?"  
Galadri-hell didn't hear him. To put it quite fankly, she turned into a big freaky ass monster thing and started screaming something about "In place of a dark lord, you would have a QUEEN! NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! TRECHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!"  
Then she vomited violently all over the place and passed out on the floor.


	21. Farewell to L'oreal

****

The Farewell To L'oreal

The next day, the Helloship set sail down the Great River, leaving the beautiful forests of Lothl'oreal behind them.  
As they set off down the river, Frieda turned to his left and saw Galadri-hell, still looking a bit hungover from the previous night, leaning on Celibate in case she fell over. "BYE FRIEDA!" She screamed, forgetting that she wasn't using her telepathic powers again. "I GIVE YOU THIS CHEAP NASTY THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TORCH! MAY IT BE A LIGHT FOR YOU IN DARK PLACES, WHEN ALL OTHER LIGHTS GO OUT!!!" She threw the torch across the river, where it hit Gimpli between the eyes, causing him to fall out of the boat.  
"Galadri-hell giggled. "Sorry about that, Pimpli!"  
"It's Gimpli."  
"Whatever." She looked over at Sam and made phone gestures with her hand, whispering "Call me," as she did so. 

The boats turned around the corner and left Lothl'oreal. The Helloship looked at the gifts Gladri-hell had left them with.  
"What did the Lady give you, Gimpli?" Asked Legohash as he ate the packet of Skips he had received.  
"I asked her for one of her golden pubes, she gave me three."  
"Ouch."

(man, this is short too! I'm sorry everyone)


	22. The Great River

****

The Great River

"Pipe-in's turn."  
"Oh OK, erm… I spy with my little eye, er… something beginning with………….. T."  
Short silence.  
"Trees!"  
Pipe-in gasped. "Very Merry wins again!"  
"OK, OK, my turn, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with W."  
Short slence.  
"Water!"  
"YES!!!!!" 

Aroporn leaned forward and patted Frieda on the shoulder. "Frieda, look…"  
Frieda looked up and saw two giant statues of penises on either side of the river.   
"The Argonath." Aroporn explained. "Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old… my kin."  
Frieda wondered why Aroporn had descended from two giantpenises, but he smiled and nodded all the same, as though he was actually interested, which he wasn't really, all he really cared about was trying to stop Sam from stroking his kneecap with the oar everytime he rowed. He _knew_ he was doing it on purpose… 

About an hour later, they settled on land and set up camp.  
"We'll rest here and cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats and continue on foot."  
"Oh yes?" Said Gimpli. "And just a small matter about crossing Emin M- Emuin… Emul Muin? Oh fuck it, that big nasty place with the jagged rocks. Oh, and after that it gets even better! A stinking, festering marshland as far as the eye can see…"  
"Sounds like Pipe-in's toilet…" Very Merry muttered.  
"I heard that!"  
"That is our road," Aroporn said to Gimpli. "I suggest you shut the fuck up, Master Dwarf." He walked off, leaving Gimpli very annoyed.  
"Pay no heed to that, Master Hobbit." He said to Very Merry, who didn't really care. He looked around. "Where's Frieda?"  
Everybody, especially Sam, shat themselves silly over Frieda's disappearance. It was only when Aroporn realised that Borrow-mir was missing too that he joined in with the panicking…


	23. The Breaking of the Helloship

****

The Breaking of the Helloship

Frieda wandered aimlessly around in the forest, wishing he was back at home with his gay porn magazine (which he had foolishly left behind…). Maybe he should run away now, maybe he should just leave the Bong under a pile of leaves and make a run for it, back to the Shire, back to his gay porn… Actually no, best not, because that nasty little thief, Borrow-mir, would find it and not tell the others. God, he hated Borrow-mir, he was just so…  
_Stomp stomp…_  
Well, he was just so right behind him actually.  
"None of us should wander alone," Borrow-mir said to him as he pretended to be collecting firewood, but was secretly staring longingly at Frieda's butt as he did so. "You least of all. So much depends on you…"  
Frieda gav him a dirty look and walked off.  
"Frieda? Look, I know why you seek solitude. You want to masturbate. I see it day by day." He leaned forward and whispered sexily in Frieda's ear, "Do you need some help?"  
Frieda moved quickly away from Borrow-mir. "I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart…"  
"Warning? Against what? We're all sexually frustrated, Frieda. But to come out here on your own to 'whistle while your work' without inviting anyone else to join you… Don't you see, Frieda? It's madness…"  
Frieda didn't reply.  
"Come on, Frieda, you know you want it as much as I do…"  
"Get away from me!"  
"Why do you recoil? I am no thief."  
"Erm… yes you are." 

A long silence. 

"If you would but _lend_ me your ring then."  
"No."  
"Give it to me!"  
"Piss off!"  
Borrow-mir pulled Frieda to the ground and tried to straddle him, but Frieda sparked up the One Bong and stubbed it out on Borrow-mir's flesh.  
"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN, THE PAIN!"  
Frieda then punched Borrow-mir in the face and ran off..  
As anybody would be after being turned down on sex, burnt with a spliff and then punched in the face, Borrow-mir was pretty pissed off. "I see your mind…" He said angrily to nobody in particular. "You will take the spliff to Sauron! You will betray us! BASTARD! I hope you fucking die, you overgrown fairy! I HATE you!" Suddenly, Borrow-mir snapped out of his evil phase and started to cry. "I love you… Oh my god, I love you… Frieda, I'm sorry!" 

But Frieda was already gone. He ran to the nearest bus stop and fiddled around in his pockets for the correct amount of change. He was going back to The Shire, back to his gay porn magazines.  
"Frieda!"  
Frieda jumped and turned around. Aroporn was running towards him.  
"Frieda, what's wrong?"  
"Borrow-mir tried to rape me! He-"  
"I'm not interested in your life story, Frieda, where's the goddamn Bong?"  
Frieda shat himself, scared the Bong was affecting Aroporn too. "Stay back!"  
"No, Frieda! I swore to protect you!"  
"Can you protect me from yourself?"  
"What?"  
Frieda pulled the spliff out of his pocket and both he and Aroporn stared at it. "Would _you_ destroy it?"  
"No."  
"Oh, okay…"  
There was a short pause while both of them tried to think what came next in the film.  
"Erm… ooh, I know!" Aroporn went up to Frieda and closed Frieda's fingers around the spliff.  
"Ow! Ow! Hot hot hot!"  
"Sorry!"  
Frieda shoved the spliff back into his pocket and sucked on his fingers. "Carry on."  
"I would have gone with you to the end," Aroporn said sadly. "To the very theme parks of Skegness…"  
"I know," Frieda sighed. "Look after the others. Especially Sam, he'll be completely distraught that I went without him…"  
Aroporn gave Frieda a big hug and was just about to nibble on his ear when an ill-piercing shriek of "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" echoed throughout the forests.  
"Shit…" Aropron muttered. "Run, Frieda, RUN!!!!!"  
Frieda legged it, just as the tourists came and attacked Aroporn, who killed them all by feeding them unhygienic fast food.


	24. The Departure of BorrowMir

****

The Departure of Borrow-mir

An unnecessarily long battle between the Helloship and the tourists began, resulting in a lot of meaningless (but very good for me because I absolutely HATE the bastards) deaths of toursists. Oh, and something else happened which I suppose I'll have to comment on…  
Frieda was making his way towards the river, where their boats were hidden, when he heard Very Merry and Pipe-in calling his name.  
"Hide here quick!"  
"Fuck off!" Frieda shouted, knowing he couldn't trust anybody anymore.  
"CUNT!" Pipe-in shouted angrily. "Let's get him, Very Merry!"  
They both chased after Frieda, but soon found themselves surrounded by tourists (EEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!! My worst nightmare is coming alive!). All seemed completely lost until… dum dum dumn! BORROW-MIR CAME TO THEIR RESCUE!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But then he got himself shot with arrows… not so yay.  
After three arrows hit him, Borrow-mir dropped to his knees dramatically and said, "M-Maybe you should look at yourselves before you-ugh… take it out on m-me, I'm just one man! And when I'm gone… *sniff!* YOU'LL REMEMBER ME!"  
Another arrow hit him.  
"Ow!"  
And another one.  
"Ow!"  
AND another one…  
"Oh for fuck's sake…OW! And-and then you'll have to look at yourselves…* sniff!* and own up to what you've done! For isn't every man a….man?"  
"I guess he's right!" Said one of the tourists. "I guess we're all-"  
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M RIGHT! So just stop shooting, OK?"  
"Yeah, OK. 'll tell him, hold on… Hey, guys! Let's stop shoot-"  
Suddenly, another arrow hit Borrow-mir in the chest. "OW! Tell the guy who's shooting to stop shooting!"  
"Alright, alright, I-"  
BANG. There goes another one…  
"Who's doing that?"  
"Please, just tell them to stop!"  
"Alright…"  
"Don't you realise if you stop now I might be able to get surgery?"  
"Yeah, yeah, I know, hold on…"  
BANG.  
"For god's sake, tell 'em to stop!"  
"I'm trying!"  
"I mean, helloooo?"  
"I know!"  
BANG.  
"Ow."  
BANG.  
"OW!"  
BANG.  
(And that's 138 folks…)  
BANG.  
"Oh forget it, leave it alone, I'll just die…"  
And then he did.


	25. If You Wannabe My Lover

****

If You Wannabe My Lover…

Frieda stood on the riverbank and looked out across the lake, then he looked down at the spliff in his hand and thought back to what he had said to Ganja in Gore-ia. 

__

'I wish the Bong had never come to me... I wish none of this had happened…'  
'So do all who live to see such times, Frieda, but that is not for them to decide. All we can do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us…' 

(Actually folks, that's not what Ganja really said, is it? I believe his exact words were, "Yeah well, life's a bitch and then you marry one." But we'll let Frieda have his moment, yeah?) 

So, inspired by these words (that were never really said), Frieda put the spliff back into his pocket, pushed one of the boats into the water and set off across the lake.  
"NO, NO, NO!" A familiar voice shouted. "FRIEDA! Frieda!" 

"No, Sam…" Frieda whispered as he rowed away.  
But Sam determinedly began to wade through the water towards Frieda's boat.  
"Go back, Sam! I'm going to Skegness alone!"  
"Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!"  
"That doesn't make sense you dumbass!"  
Sam suddenly began to splash about like a great big idiot in the water.  
"Sam, you can't swim!"  
Obviously he couldn't because then Sam began to drown.  
"SAM!"  
Sam disappeared under the water. Frieda shrugged and continued rowing as if nothing had happened, as if his best friend and potential lover hadn't just drowned in a lake.  
Sam suddenly emerged from the water. "Frieda?"  
Frieda stopped rowing and turned his head. "Yes, Sam?"  
"This is the part where your supposed to save me."  
Frieda giggled. "Oh right…"  
Sam disappeared under the water again and this time, Frieda reached into the water and pulled Sam back out. He pulled him aboard (nearly capsizing the boat in the process) and stared at him.  
"You… stupid… bastard….Sam…" Frieda panted. "What the… hell…did…you do…that…for?"  
"I made a prromise, Mr Frieda." Sam explained, spitting all over Frieda's face. "A prromise. Don't you lose him, Samwise Ganjaleaf. And I don't mean to… I don't mean to…"  
"Oh Sam," Frieda smiled. "Giz a snog."  
After a rather disgusting display of gay snoggosity from Frieda and Sam, Frieda took up the oars and said, "Come on, let's go."  
They rowed to the other side of the lake and walked side by side through the wilderness. Then, they climbed up a rocky mountain and looked out at the mass of twisted roller coasters in the distance.  
"Skegness…" Frieda sighed. "I hope the others find a safer route."  
"Stoner'll look after them."  
"I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."  
"We may, Mr Frieda. We may…"  
"Sam…" Frieda smiled and turned to his best friend. "I'm glad you're with me."  
Sam grinned from ear to ear and as Frieda began to walk down the mountain, he watched Frieda's arse bounce as he walked and knew he was glad to be with him too… 

TO BE CONTINUED.  
(As soon as I get Two Towers on DVD…)


End file.
